Not so long ago I had both a fascinating and enlightening discussion with a client.

The topic was whether people can truly change.

My case argued that we can absolutely change versus ‘it is never actual change, it is simply adapting’ and as with all great debates, this went on for weeks.

What became apparent during these conversations was that the more factual and objective evidence I provided, the less inclined my client was to believe in my case.

Drowning my opposition in facts, data and statistics, I assumed, was the best way to prove and get my point across. How wrong could I be!

The problem is that the mind doesn’t follow facts, however credible and convincing those facts may appear.

As a result of the well-known confirmation bias, we tend to undervalue evidence that contradicts our beliefs and overvalue evidence that confirms them. We filter out convenient truths and arguments on the opposition side, resulting in our own opinions solidifying.

Hence, the method of providing ‘irrefutable’ facts, data and statistics simply DOESN’T work.

Effectively, we believe in alternative facts ONLY if they support our pre-existing beliefs.

If you have any doubts about the power of confirmation bias, think about the last time you googled a question. Did you thoroughly read each and every link provided to get a broad objective or did you scan through the links simply looking for ‘evidence’ that would support what you already believed to be true?

So if facts don’t work, how do we set about changing a mind - be it our own or someone else’s?

Here are a few suggestions :

Give The Mind An Option

As human beings, we are reluctant to acknowledge mistakes or admit that we are wrong.

The secret is to trick the mind by giving it an out. Convince the mind that any prior belief was the right one given what you knew at the time BUT now that underlying new information has come to light, your knowledge has changed and therefore so can your mind.

What we often do when arguing our case is exactly the opposite - we go for the punch to the gut or belittle the other person’s lack of knowledge (I told you so). We ridicule.

The second you belittle the mind for believing in something, you’ve lost the battle.

Equating someone else’s thoughts with foolishness, naivety or lack of knowledge effectively means that their mind must admit to stupidity or unintelligence and that is a situation most minds are not willing to undertake.

Your Beliefs Are Not You

Often, when challenged, we become very defensive.

In my teens and twenties I was terrible and I still find it difficult today when challenged in a certain fashion.

I tend to tense up and answer with some disdain as if to say “how dare you challenge me” “this is my area of expertise” “I know what I’m talking about”

I don’t think I’m alone. I think we all tend to identify with our beliefs.

The problem is that our beliefs have often arrived through generalisations and can be incorrect. They come entwined with our identity and changing our mind means changing our identity and that’s a really tough thing to do!

One solution is to put a healthy separation between you and the products of you and this is where the importance of language comes in.

An example of this for me was when writing articles. Initially, I used to always write in the first person.

i.e. “During this session I will encourage ….” More often than not nowadays I will reframe this to say “This session will encourage …”

By changing the vocabulary, I have tricked my mind by dissociating ‘me’ from ‘my thoughts.’ They become separate abstract objects and the session takes ownership and precedence, not me.

Build Up Your Empathy Muscle

Discussing the importance and power of the mind with a group of athletes who don’t want to acknowledge it, won’t make them change their opinion.

Humans operate on different frequencies. Our sensory wires get crossed.

If someone disagrees with you, it’s not because they are wrong and you are right. It’s because they believe one thing and you believe another.

The challenge is to figure out what that thing is and adjust your frequency accordingly.

If the athletes believe that utilising the mind is not vital, then present the case of how engaging with it correctly will enable them to enhance their performance and ultimately their success.

Now you have their attention!

A Game Changer says…

We tend to live in a perpetual life cycle. We trust the people we trust. We surround ourselves with people who are like us. We believe the people we want to believe.

This leads to our thoughts, opinions and beliefs rarely being challenged.

By being more open minded and listening more closely to people who we wouldn’t necessarily associate or identify with, we can become positively challenged more often.

Marc Andreessen, the US entrepreneur and co founder of Netscape, has a saying :

“Strong beliefs, loosely held”

This proposes that it’s good to strongly believe in an idea, philosophy or concept but it’s equally important to be willing to change your opinion if the facts show otherwise.

Change is possible but first and foremost you have to be open to wanting it.

One of the key pillars of life is communication.

NLP is often described as ‘the systemic study of human communication.’

So, in making the presumption that the art of communication is so important, why are we often so lousy at it?!

When studying people in communication mode, it never ceases to amaze just how many talk ‘at’ each other rather than ‘with’ each other.

Q: In order to speak ‘with’ someone, which of our senses should we automatically employ first?

A: Auditory

Yes, believe it or not, an awful lot of us just want to say what’s on our mind / give our opinion when we would be much better served to listen carefully first, before speaking.

Another NLP-ism is ‘the meaning of a communication is the response that it gets’ and one can’t accurately respond without having listened carefully to the comments or remarks being made.

The three elements of communication are Words, Physiology and Tone.

When broken down by percentage, this is how it looks:

This chart tells us that up to 93% of all communication is done unconsciously, using non verbal means and ONLY 7% is performed consciously, i.e. via our words.

This goes to show that by simply focusing on speaking, speaking, speaking, we are making little headway in terms of communicating properly.

When two people are not communicating well, there will be an obvious sign of no rapport.

A Game Changer Says …

There is a well known saying that ‘God gave us two ears and one mouth’ for a reason. Whether religious or not, we are most definitely better served by adhering to it.