Emotional Intelligence: What we were never taught in school!
Before continuing to read this blog, please just stop for a moment to remember all the various subject matter that you learned in school - Maths, English, Geography, History, Latin, Science, French, the list goes on and on and is all very informative and potentially useful as we grow into young adults with our lives and careers ahead of us - and yet, one colossal and vitally important subject is never really touched upon, ‘Ourselves’.
If we now stop to consider the number of touch points in our daily lives where having at least some understanding of psychology and the human mind could have helped us out, how many of us would hold up our hand and say, “I”? Our guess would be quite a few.
The vast majority of us have never learned or understood how to identify and deal with our own emotions, let alone the emotions of others! These skills are highly valuable and can be employed in every walk of life.
In a working environment, just think how often you are dealing with ‘different minded’ people from your colleagues to your clients; from your suppliers to your investors and so on. In a sporting context, how often do you relate to your coaches, your team mates, your support staff etc?
What you think, what you say, how you behave and react are paramount to each of those relationships working effectively and evolving efficiently. And yet, how often does our emotional bias or balance get in the way?
Emotional Intelligence is what we were never taught in school. It is a shorthand that psychological researchers use to describe how well individuals can manage their own emotions and react to the emotions of others.
People who exhibit a high level of emotional intelligence have the less obvious skills necessary to get ahead in life, such as appraising and responding to the needs of others, managing conflict and keeping their own emotions from overflowing and disrupting their lives.
So what exactly is Emotional Intelligence and how can we work on our own?
Emotional Intelligence has five key areas:
Self Awareness - this involves knowing your own feelings. It includes having an accurate assessment of what you’re capable of, when you need help and what your emotional triggers are.
Self Management - this involves being able to keep your emotions in check when they become disruptive. It includes being able to control outbursts, calmly discussing disagreements and avoiding activities that undermine you like extended self pity or panic.
Motivation - most people are motivated to action by rewards like money or status. Importantly, there are other ways such as personal joy, curiosity or simply the satisfaction of being productive.
Empathy - while the three previous categories refer to a person’s internal emotions, this one deals with the emotions of others. It is the skill and practice of identifying and understanding the emotions of others and responding appropriately.
Social Skills - this category involves the application of empathy as well as negotiating the needs of others with your own. This can include finding common ground with others, managing others in a work environment and being persuasive.
Let’s explore each of the above in slightly more detail showing how you can use them in your own day-to-day lives.
Self Awareness
Before you can do anything else, it is very important to understand your own emotions. Here are some ways to improve your self awareness:
Keep a journal - at the end of every day write down what happened to you, how you felt and how you dealt with it. Periodically, look back at your journal and take note of any trends or any time you overreacted to something.
Ask for input from others - when dealing with self-perception, input from others can be invaluable. Ask multiple people who know you well where your strengths and weaknesses lie. Write this feedback down and compare what each says, looking for patterns. MOST IMPORTANTLY, don’t argue with them. They don’t have to be correct, you are simply looking to gauge your perception from another’s point of view.
Slow down or meditate - emotions have a habit of getting out of control when we don’t use time to process them. Next time you have an emotional reaction to someone or something, pause before you continue. Correct breathing exercises can really help.
Self Management
Once you understand how your emotions work, you can start figuring out how to handle them. This involves controlling your outbursts, distinguishing between external triggers and internal overreactions and doing what’s best for your needs.
Change your sensory input - you’ve probably heard of the ‘count from one to ten’ or ‘just take a deep breath’ advice? Well if that works for you then brilliant. However, we suggest giving your physical body a jolt to break the cycle such as a ‘snap out of it’ slap. A shock to the system or breaking the existing routine will help.
You can’t always control what makes you feel a certain way, emotions are built into us for a reason. What you can do, however, is control how you react to them. If your emotional reactions tend to be impulsive, it is possible to work closely with someone who understands the psychology and has experience of dealing with this in order to help.
Motivation
Here we are talking about your inner drive to accomplish something. There is a section of our brain that literally lights up at the mere thought of achieving a meaningful goal. When your motivation is working for you it connects with reality in tangible ways.
Want to start a family? You start dating. Want to improve your career? You start educating yourself, angling for a promotion or applying for new jobs.
In order for motivation to work, you have to first identify your own values and what is truly important to you. Often we do things that directly contradict what we actually value for so long that we end up losing motivation entirely. Sound familiar?
There are many strategies that will help you identify your values. Once again, it can often be worth using the assistance of someone with knowledge and experience in this field to help out.
Empathy
Your emotions are only one half of all your relationships. It’s the half that you focus on the most because you have to hang out with yourself every day :-)
Empathy is your most important skill when navigating relationships. It is a life-long skill but there are a few ways to focus:
Be quiet and listen - there is a reason we were given two eyes, two ears and just one mouth! You can’t physically experience anyone else’s lives to fully understand them but you can listen. Put aside your pre-conceptions or skepticism for a bit and allow the person you are with room to speak.
Take up a contrary position of your own - for the sake of the discussion, take up the view of either the second or third person perspective. If you think your boss is being unreasonable, defend their actions in your head. This can really help with your thought process.
Don’t just know, look to understand - understanding is the difference between knowing something and truly empathising with it. Take a little time to digest another person’s information or standpoint before responding.
Social Skills
Let’s look at one of the most common forms of social skills, resolving a disagreement:
Identify and deal with your emotions - when things get heated, people become emotionally worked up. It is always worth taking time out to yourself, blow off the necessary steam and then return to the problem. This may just mean sounding off to a work colleague before you reply to a particular email or chatting to a close friend before actioning something.
Address legitimate problems once you’re both calm - once you are in the right head space, establish exactly what the issue is and make sure you BOTH agree on it. Then propose solutions that are mutually beneficial.
End on a cooperative note - whether in business or pleasure, relationships work best when everyone is on the same page. Even if you can’t end on a positive note ensure that your last communication is a cooperative one. Indicate that you would like to aim towards the same goal.
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A Game Changer says…
Learning about and truly understanding Emotional Intelligence has to be one of the singularly most important and inspiring skills we can ever acquire.
Our thoughts, our language and our behaviour play such a vital part in every day life. Being able to tune into another person’s feelings and understand how they think about things, how they see the world and how their views can be different is massively important.
Our abilities as human beings know no bounds. We are often ‘beating that’ or ‘conquering this’ but in this ever changing world that we live in, it is our knowledge, understanding and generosity of spirit towards each other that surely is crucial in how we establish better rapport and communication going forward in so very many areas of society.
It can be done, it can be achieved. All these skills can be learned in life. We can improve upon any of them if we care but it takes time, effort and perseverance.